Last entry: June of 2007. A lot has happened since then. + I was working part-time for CMH in a crisis home last June, and was hired on full-time in August, with a pay raise and benefits. A blessing, indeed. I'm still employed there, and am very happy. God works wonders in this home. + Both of my sisters (in-law) had their babies this winter. Logan was born in December, and I'm his godmother. This is the greatest thing that's happened to me lately, and I plan to be the best godmother I know how to be. And Magdalene, or Maggie, was born in January. They are both beautiful babies and wonderful additions to our family. My oldest brother and his wife now have 4 kids, and my 2nd oldest brother and his wife have 2. As for us other 3 siblings, we still live at home, with our lives unfolded before us, not sure what to do with all that extra red carpet unraveling at high speed in front of our eyes. + I still have not returned to Germany. No, the desire has not lessened even a little. If anything, it's grown stronger. + I matured a lot in the past year. Pulled myself together. Taking the full-time job changed a lot. It's not just a job. It's a commitment, a relationship, a dedication, a change. It requires a lot of thought and future. Especially since I work in a 24/7 crisis home, it's not like I can just walk away when I want to. God led me here, though, and I'll stay put until told otherwise....but I'm craving freedom. Not necessarily from work, or anything else in particular. I'm craving freedom from myself, from who I am right now. + I grew up. I said that. Right. But I did. I started school again in the fall and disappeared from everyone's life but my own. I worked a lot of overtime at work and kept myself buried in schoolbooks. it was a really tough semester. I was given a new rank: senior. That alone is enough to send me running in the other direction, spinning circles while frantically thinking to myself: soon enough it will all be over and I'll be catapulted onto the streets of the business world and have to find a life for myself with no other choice than being chained down again....but, I put those thoughts aside and pulled through the semester. Hoorah. I actually did pretty darn well. Then I realized how depressed and alone and unhappy I was after not seeing anyone, ever. + I took this semester off. I'm a nanny for my neices and nephews 3-4 times a week. Otherwise I work out in the mornings or sometimes sleep in. I make appointments and do things like fix my car and clean and run errands, things I always meant to do last semester but never really had time to. I started out really enjoying the break from school. My first break since kindergarten. But of course, like everything else in my life, I began to analyze where I'm at and re-evaluate my life and start falling into another state of philosophy where I had to question who I am once again. I do this every day, but only now and again do I seriously answer, or honestly and truthfully answer. So who am I? Amy, who are you? I like to read, I eat tacos, I love music...but that's not WHO I am. I'm really good at my job and I enjoy it. I try to be giving. I can be nice...but that's not WHO I am. I'm Catholic and thrive in my faith, I'm 5'11", and I'm white...but that's not WHO I am. ...I don't know how to answer the question. In fact, I can't answer the question. I've realized though, that 21 years down the road, I have come to a point where I am happy in all the things I do in the present here and now, but it is a different kind of happiness. It isn't my happiness. I find joy in life, but I lack joy in myself. I find grace in my job, but I lack grace within me. I find peace in those around me, but I lack peace in my own life. I find joy in the hearts of others, but do not have joy in my heart. My heart is on the road to becoming empty, soul-less, and desperate. I want to find love and hold on to it. I want to find happiness for myself and stop putting everything last. I want to seek out my dreams, but not feel guilty or selfish for doing so. I want to find love in all the right places. I'm ready. ...but once again, I am held back and held down by so many obligations and feelings, and here I sit, typing on the computer, hoping and wishing for a chance of freedom to search out the truth, and instead, can only write, hope, and dream of it. At least my heart knows. Oh. And DEDICATION is one of the most beautiful films I've watched in a long time. It was the right place and time, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. | 
